Santa Claus the Ultimate Ninja

Wednesday, December 20, 2006



Holiday seasons are upon us. Its exciting for me in a way that has dwindled over the years. My fondness for the holidays rekindled. The greatest lie ever told, Santa Claus. Once you stop believing Xmas can seem almost bleak. The perpetuation of this illusionary fabled sorcerer dwarf and his army of demon thralls seems baffling to a mature mind in retrospect.

There is some question as to why parents would seek to deceive their children. Why did my parents lie? and why did everyone just go along with it? Basically its like this... Winter is really lame, so halfway through, sometime near solstice, almost every culture celebrates with a festival of light. There is invariably a hero for these events and everyone knows the legend of
St. Nicholas. Eventually the story grew from the selfless charity of a mortal to the more Titanic status he now assumes.

So as my childhood ended so too this legend of Santa faded from my mind, replaced with a red villain, swilling Coke and enforcing consumerism. Had the world gone mad? Why would we subject our children to some sick mind game? But when my daughter asked me "Daddy, who is Santa?" It was my turn to finally act out and stop this legacy of....what? I had to think for a moment before I committed myself to the crimes of my ancestors. 'Who the heck is that Santa guy anyways?' and then I realized, it was me. I was Santa Claus, that is what makes him real, my secret identity, a title passed down from generation to generation, like my parents before me. So I looked my daughter in the eye and I said " Santa Clause is the worlds Greatest Ninja"
"Santa is a Ninja?"
"Of Course he is!" I replied. "How do you think he can sneak around undetected and infiltrate every house in the world in one night?"
There are Strict edicts of the Santa Myth. He lives in the North Pole and he delivers presents. Any curios child will require more details, luckily everything else can be tailored to suit the individual needs of the parental unit. Not so much strict edicts as more like suggestions. With a little imagination Santa can rise above the Mall Clones and the apparent lack of chimneys in the tropics.

Capitalism has kidnapped Santa and forced him to perform corporate fellacio; highjacked the holidays and exploited every ounce of human decency. This is of no concern, the idea of Xmas transcends these blasphemes. Furthermore any doubts cast on his character or abilities can be forgotten. Once a year he delivers his promises and through the eyes of a child, that fat old guy is a God.

8 comments:

miss kitty said...

Don't most parents seek to deceive their children?

UNO said...

SUGAR PLUMS!

The Lazy Iguana said...

So, what did you tell your kid? That you are Santa (only with better fashion sense), or something about reindeer and chimneys and stuff.

By the way, here in South Florida having a fireplace is rare. Nobody really needs one. So there are no chimneys. Santa comes in through the....uhhhh.....glass sliding door! Or the mail slot in the door! Or somehow.

And alligators pull the sleigh! And the sleigh is a pimpin Escalade.

UNO said...

Oh yeah I told her about the fat guy in a sled with reindeer. You must believe.

The Lazy Iguana said...

Yes. You must believe. Otherwise, what fun is there?

UNO said...

I um edited that for clarity. Dont be expecting that kind of fancy treatment all the time.

Anonymous said...

well "Santa" , i wish you and your family a very merry X-mas!!!
hopefully you will bring me lots of presents this year,i've been a good girl ;) xoxo Sask

UNO said...

Santa rewards the Good.