What are my nipples for?

Im trying to switch my sleep pattern over to nightshifts for the next two weeks but I got woke up early this morning by my new kitten trying to suckle my nipple. I sleep in my boxers but it looks like I will have to begin wearing a shirt or pajamas to prevent the new kitten from trying to draw milk from my useless teets. Disturbing? I think so but I am her Mommy so I cant get mad and its either pajamas or get the plastic surgery to remove my nipples. The useless fleshy knobs are little more than overgrown moles complete with hair. While I'm at it I might as well get that pesky naval sealed. Just erase all evidence of my natural birth and begin the transformation to demi god. Its not easy to unlock the mysteries of the universe and there is a steep learning curve.
I injured my shoulder at the gym last week. The pain is exquisite, of all the parts of the body to injure I had to go and bust up my right shoulder; which although I had never considered is an integral part of my work and play. Without a shoulder I am little more than a milkless sloth. I blame it all on my new "better living through chemistry" philosophy. The NOxplode supplement works a little too well. I ended up pushing weights far beyond my ordinary capacity and paid a high price for my arrogance. Pride goeth before a fall indeed. Moderation is called for in future adventures. I need a break anyways between the slave job and the gym I am in a state of constant pain, add the stigmata from the inumeral splinters and I have achieved a higher state of conciousness. I follow in the footsteps of the great flagellants inflicting extreme mortification on my body in order to achieve powerful visions and transcend my fleshly vessel.

In other news my wife took pity on me and decided to buy my PSP. I have been hacking it like a madman and after an entire night of crazy research in my laboratory, I have managed to open the gates of hell and create a prison for the devil by instaling DOOM and Quake on the PSP. It also doubles as a universal remote control and wireless web browser. There is very little it doesnt do. Legend has it Sony created my PSP with a phoenix feather*. I will start posting some pics when I get motivated* enough to plug the digi camera into the computer, which involves unplugging my PSP.....



* All Lies