Forgotten Legends: The Brass Monkey

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Chapter 1
The Brass Monkey began the day with a plan and a smile. His sheets flew off the bed as he greeted the world, wearing no pants "Hard to top that" Brass thought wistfully. A light bounce carried him as far as the bathroom where he gave himself an appraisal. "You are a handsome He-Devil" Brass said out loud. With a wink and a snap of the fingers he reached down and grabbed his toothbrush "the ladies love good oral" he jestfully teased. Placing a thick wad of paste on the brush Brass got down to work, peeling plaque and bacteria from his white chompers and over the luscious pink curves of his tongue. A rinse and a spit and he jumped in the shower.

The hot water produced a fine mist which he breathed in deeply. Running a damp hand through his unruly chestnut colour hair Brass reached for the bottle of botanical soap and working it into a thick lather began to rub it over his firm rounded shoulders and chiselled torso, down the length of his sinewy legs all made powerful by the Monkeys drive to succeed. He finished off the shower like he always does by turning the hot water off completely and letting the ice cold water run over his hot naked body. The drastic change in temperature felt almost painful as Brass slowly reached out and shut off the water.

A soft cotton towel soothed his sensitive skin, with a twist of his wrist he wrapped it around his elegant waist and set it in place. Walking to the kitchen the Monkey noticed his blinds were left open again and Cindy the mail lady had just paused outside the window her mouth hung slack as she ran her eyes up and down Brass and then just like that she adjusted her hat, tucked a stray hair behind her ear and skipped up the front stairs to his entrance gently forcing the envelopes through the slot in the door.

Glancing out his window he appraised Cindy. The mail lady was a little older than he liked but she was still foxy; a blonde in a bottle, she didn’t let herself go, couldn’t really, not with her job. Thin and curvy her uniform bursting at the seams. Brass followed her with his eyes as she wiggled down his driveway and he saw as she turned her head over her shoulder to see if he was still watching. He licked his lips and shuffled over to the coffee machine, grabbing a remote from the kitchen table Brass turned on his stereo and set it to random. He felt lucky today as Chopin began to play a sonata. "Sublime" thought Brass there would be magic tonight. If he could make a lady in uniform salute he could do anything.


The coffee was already brewing the timer had gone off minutes before. Brass grabbed a mug from his cupboard and hit the answering machine. A shrill beep was emitted before the first of five messages.
"Brass? Are you there? Come on pick up this phone! It's me Christine, listen me and a few of my girlfriends are going to the cabin this weekend and we need you to help us fix the hot-tub. Just call me when you get this message" Brass poured the coffee cocking his ear towards the next message.
" Hi Brass, Julie and Tabitha wanted to know if you can still make it to that new Jazz club that just opened up across town."
"We need you down at the shop Brass the new guy Phil blew his shift, we are short handed and customers are asking me questions I can’t answer where are you? Call me as soon as you get this message. Oh it’s Rick here in case...."
"Hey buddy Reet here I got those tickets you wanted oh and Tara says hi. You owe me big time Mr Monkey, I told her you buying the tickets for your mom and dad. You sir are a Pig"
The answering machine fell silent as Brass wrapped his lips around a nutty cup of coffee. The velvety and yet bitter liquid restored his vigour and he marched over to his closet to select the perfect outfit. A simple collared shirt would suffice to knock the ladies dead, a slick tie and a sprits of cologne. There would be no quarter given tonight. He needed fulfilling the kind only hot flesh would bring. A soft body to caress and explore. He needed the sweet release a woman could give maybe two or three women could give. If things went well he would be snuggled into a firm bosom by the end of the day.

"First things first get those tickets from Reet. The man should be at his usual hang out by now." Brass thought. Grabbing his keys from the fishbowl on his counter which also served as a loose change piggy bank, Brass hit the button on his car starter. Outside he could hear his sports car roar to life. Wrapping a tie around his collar he locked the door to his house and rattled the knob to double check the security. Just then his pocket started vibrating and a split second later his cell phone started to chirp out Britney’s spears latest hit song. Brass flipped the switch and answered it. "Hello monkey’s phone" He said in his best phone voice. "Hey Brass, Reet here, im down at star bucks you coming down?"
"I'll be there before the foam on your latte falls"
Chap 3
The speakers in his car crooned the deepest bass. The steering wheel hummed with a life as the reverberations from the stereo echoes in every cell of Brass' hot red sports car. The unholy union of flesh and machine was made complete as the Monkeys foot jammed down on thee pedal hard. The tires squealing like whipped pigs the friction puffing smoke like Alice in wonderlands Caterpillar. Brass let his lips glide over his teeth. The world rushed by as houses and lawns blurred together like a manic slideshow. The needle on his odometer bounced and careened like a mad conductor performing an opus with the devil on the fiddle.

Stop sign now, motor idling Brass hit the clutch and let the magnificent beast howl for three seconds before releasing the pedal and letting three-hundred horses charge. A pedestrian jumped back as the car sent a blast of turbulence threatening to topple the old lady. Brass spared a glance in his rear view to see her lashing her fist in the air he let out a chuckle there was no room on the roads for slow. Reet would be waiting at star bucks, his unofficial lair. No one kept Reet waiting not even his friends and if Reet said those tickets were hard to get it meant that they were impossible. Brass let his brow furrow, favours were costly with Reet. He could deliver the impossible if you were willing to return the improbable. It might cost Brass anything down the road.

Officially Reet was a Pharmacist for his parent’s drug store. His mother and father were successful spice merchant from the Far East who had settled in Vancouver during the 1960's. They had started small with the acquisition of an import firm they began trading exotic spices and later in the 1970's moved into the pharmaceutical drug industry exporting bulk quantities of anti-biotic to those who could afford it in lesser developed nations. Reet grew up under his Mothers shadow, he watched as she turned their family from the brink of poverty to the most prosperous and influential organizations that sprawled across the lower mainland with over fifty locations nation wide and growing.

Off the record Reet was the heir to an empire with multi national assets and interests in speculative acquisition and development. A gentleman of contemporary distinguishment and style, Reet did what all intellectual men of leisure did, he drank over priced foam topped coffee beverages and conducted business on his cell phone. Brass just hoped his buddy wasn’t too paranoid today. The caffeine sometimes went to his head.

Brass roared down Granville and turned under the giant sign which read [ P]. The underground parking lot attendant glanced from inside his glass booth where he was watching a small 10inch TV. to take a look at Brass as he punched the button and received his ticket. The yellow and black hazard painted barricade lifted and the car carefully pulled away. Brass parked close to a stair well on the second floor. As he made his way to the street the rain had really started to fall. Quietly cursing beneath his breath Brass pulled the collar on his blazer up and set forward to Starbucks.

Chap 4
The rain had driven everyone inside and Brass could see people checking their watches and moving briskly to flee the coming storm. It always rained on the west coast and there were some amusing slogans that the locals liked to say. "If you can not see the mountains it’s raining; if you can see the mountains it’s going to rain." Brass glanced up and couldn't see the mountains for the thick mist that encapsulated the city. The Star Bucks was just up ahead, its green canopy and heady odours promising a rich warm brew. Brass quickly darted to the large double glass doors and grabbing the handle giving it a firm pull, which resulted in torquing his body closer as the door was bolted shut. A patron balancing a coffee and a copy of the Vancouver Sun opened the other door and smirked at Brass. The Monkey didn’t like being laughed at it made him feel awkward. Moving inside he saw the line up of customers three wide. Letting out a sigh Brass decided the coffee could wait but Reet didn’t like to. Moving past the throngs of idling people Brass saw Reet at his usual spot. In a corporate world where space was limited Reet luxuriously sat sprawled out with a lap top on two tables pushed together covered in empty Styrofoam cups his feet on a chair and as always yelling in his cell phone. Monkey got close enough to hear Reet "Oh you gotta be kidding me! No she didn’t.....what? I never said that.......hang on a sec" Looking up Reet flashed his biggest white smile he pointed his cell at brass and said "What took you so long?" Brass slid into one of the empty chairs and shrugged. Reet resumed his conversation with the cell “Ok look im kind of busy right now I'll call you later....yes I will"

Chap 4.5
Reet turned the cell off. Looking down he reached under the table and produced two plane tickets to Bangkok. "These bad boys cost me an arm and a leg, there wont be much left of me at all if I keep doing you favours." Reet said with a dramatic sweep of his hand across his neck. Brass laughed at his outburst. "Damn liar, I'm suprised you dont ask me to pay you for the privelage of going halfway around the world and doing your dirty work. Buying that extra ticket just earned you the right to my services. When I decide who to take with me I'll be like James Bond, mixing bussiness and pleasure."
"Just make sure you don't step on any toes Brass, this meeting is very important. I dont want to see you showing up for it half cut or not at all."
"Relax brother, you know I can handle it. Its just a meet and greet right? I hand over the encrypted information and shake hands bada bing bada boom"
" Dont get cocky Brass, these people might find your glib antics disrespectful, look if I didnt think you could handle it I wouldnt have asked but I got to make the obligatory warnings."
Reet paused to take a sip from his Latte, the foam leaving a white moustache on his upperlip. "There wont be any second chances if these guys think you are blowing smoke up their arse then not only will they cancel all our contracts but you might not make it out of Thailand. Its a dangerous place and I wouldnt want to spend any time in one of its prisons. Have you got your passport all in order?" Brass nodded at Reet. There is no risk without reward. The encrypted jump drive he was to deliver could have been easily carried by any international courrier or Canada Post, but the company buying the information expected a corporate representative and it just so happened that Brass moonlighted for Reet from time to time as his personal assistant. The pay was excellent and the benefits even more so. "Ok then" Reet said. "I took the liberty of bankrolling this vacation for you. I exchanged $5,000 Canadian dollars for the local whompam."

To be continued......



thedeviluno said...

A work in progress for some time.

Darth Forehand said...

Very nice. The "Devil" is in the details.

Anonymous said...

Curious George 15 years later? :P excellent stuff

The Lazy Iguana said...

You know, you really ought to get shit like this published. When there is no more "to be continued" cut and paste it to Word, format it so it looks all nice, and send it off to whoever you think may publish it.

What is the worst they can say? No? That is no big deal!!!! What do magazine editors know about short stories anyway??

Just my opinion. Take it for what is worth (not much).

Zanitram said...

Old stuff dude.. cmon we've been waiting on the new chapter for over a year!!

Skitzzee said...

good likey.

thedeviluno said...

Yeah but I had to Xfer this bullcrap over to my main blog so I could maybe try and finish it off.

Anonymous said...

sweet mullets & good writing

covert.c said...

I myself have been wondering this for over a year.

What will become of Brass and his deep, sumptuous carpet of chest hair? Who will join him on his intrepid journey to the darkest reaches of Thailand? Is Reet his legitimate ally, or is he setting Brass up for an ambush by his enemies? Who can trust a man who takes up two tables at Starbucks?